On embracing the fluidity of life…

On embracing the fluidity of life…

If I were to take a survey of different people from all walks of life asking what they believed the purpose of life was, I believe I would get a multitude of thoughts on the subject.  I know even my own thoughts on the subject have changed dramatically in the past two years.  Yet, I think it would be difficult for anyone to argue on this one observation about it…life is an experience.

We are all having our own unique experiences in this life and what makes it particularly interesting, in my opinion, is that we all have free will.  We have the ability to do what we want, say what we want, and think what we want.  We are not free however, from whatever consequences come from those choices.

We have some ability to predict the likely outcome of certain choices or situations we find ourselves in.  We know that if we do something illegal and get caught we will probably have whatever the law dictates as a consequence.  We know that if we irritate a hot head, we are likely to cause a bigger rage.  We know that if we hurt someone, we have a good chance of hurting or even destroying a relationship.  I could go on and on.  If we jump off a huge cliff, we will likely die.  If we drink and drive we might kill someone else.  If we eat well, we have more chance of being healthy than if we eat poorly.  All these are very probable outcomes but what makes life exciting is that they are not or will not ALWAYS be the outcome.

There are people who eat healthy who struggle their whole lives with bad health.  There are people who break the law over and over again and never get caught.  There are people who forgive and those who do not.  Life is a series of surprises.

With all the different possibilities, life cannot be completely predictable.  It WILL at times CHANGE.  Sometimes we have lots of changes and sometimes we have less.  Some people go through more changes than others.  Some changes are inflicted upon us by the environment or other people making choices that affect our lives.  Some changes are self-inflicted.

Change can be uncomfortable, stressful, difficult, and scary or it can be exciting, joyous, and fulfilling.  A beautiful, new relationship is much more wonderful a change than an ugly divorce.  Moving to a beautiful new home is much nicer than losing the home you’ve loved and raised your family in for many, many years.  Gaining anything, except maybe weight, is generally much more pleasant than losing anything.

In my life and my experience, I have found that the more that I can embrace the fluidity of life, the better my journey becomes.  It feels better to expect change and anticipate it and when it comes to ride it like surfing the waves, rather than standing there letting them crash upon my head, working hard not to drown.

The more I allow experiences to happen and stop fighting it, the more peace I find.  People change, relationships change, we learn and grow and go in different directions.

I am not very familiar with video games but I have played or at least watched others play a few.  My experience has been that in games we move from level to level.  Each level has challenges and difficulties to defeat, even bad guys to avoid and often there are keys or prizes or tokens that can be gathered along the way to reward us or to help us with the next level.  

What if this life experience was like a game?  What if we moved from level to level defeating challenges, learning new things, gaining rewards or keys along the way?  What if when we got to a level, or a room or whatever it was, we just stayed there?  What if we enjoyed our little reward so much we didn’t want to move on, we just kept hoping to feel that feeling again?  What if we were stuck in the same place, battling the same bad guys, over and over and over again?

I can imagine that would be terribly frustrating.  I think it would be like a game being “stuck”, unable to proceed to the next level, unable to find the next task.

My goal is to embrace the fluidity of life – to see how gracefully and beautifully I can move through each level, each challenge, learning, growing, experiencing, figuring out who I am and fully enjoying each unique experience that comes before me but also letting go, moving on, embracing change, and loving myself through the whole thing, knowing that this is an experience and I’m doing the best I can and that’s all I can ever ask for.

This is not something I’ve mastered by any means, but it is what I work to achieve.  I believe that this will bring me much more peace in this life and that is worth any price to me.

At war no more...

At war no more…

I cannot tell you what it would be like to live impoverished in the streets, in fear for my life, from enemies invading my homeland.  I cannot relate to a world where I sleep with a gun in my hands, prepared for the enemy to strike at any moment, ready to protect myself and my family from my enemy.  I do not know the sting of a physical war personally but I have, unknowingly, been in a mental or spiritual war for as long as I can remember, until the last few months.  I can now solemnly declare that I am at war no more.

Gone are the days of watching for the enemy at all times in my life.  Gone are the days of a mote and tall walls around my home as I strive to protect my family from an enemy intruding.  My armor and weapons are buried, never to be retrieved as I embark on a life of peace and happiness to a degree that I have never known.

I no longer live a life of silent fear, striving to feel peace and happiness by more and more protection and armor, incessantly studying for more ways to protect and arm myself.  I no longer feel the need to hover over and monitor my children, making sure they are always out of harm’s way and protected from whatever darkness lurks, diligently trying to teach them the way to safety and peace, the only way I knew to find any degree of it.  My fighting is over.  My peace is found.  My life is a joy.  I now feel free.

The peace I have found is the peace found within.  It’s the beginning of truly understanding who I am and why I am here and the purpose of this life.  It comes from being true to myself and loving, respecting and forgiving myself.  It’s about embracing this life experience and the lessons I can learn from it.

It is enhanced and magnified as I look to others with a greater love and respect than I have ever felt before for all mankind, despite their weaknesses and foibles, offering to them the same mercies that I now extend to myself as I do the best I can in this life and understand that others are all doing the same.  

My happiness is no longer dependent on approval from others, completing my checklist, comparing and finding ways that I am doing better than others, and other such methods.  I no longer need to feel loved and accepted by others (although that is always appreciated) because I feel that love from within.  I’m learning and understanding more every day in this exciting life experience and as I look at things from the eyes of a little child, I can appreciate the glory and splendor of the moment without fear, judgment, criticism, or jaded vision.

The war is over.  Peace is found.  Say what you want, think what you want, condemn me if you will, I will never fight that war again.  I am at war no more.

On baking cookies…

On baking cookies…

I will Vote Anonymous for the 2016 election for reasons I have written about previously in my blog and posted on my facebook page and for many more reasons that I hope to address over time.  In the meantime, I have had people accuse me of not listening to their arguments or ignoring the things they have pointed out to me…all apparent evidences that this plan will not work.  I wanted to share what my feelings are about what I have read and heard.

In my mind, I can picture it something like this.  I’m going to make a batch of delicious cookies.  I set the ingredients out to begin:  flour, sugar, baking soda, baking powder, eggs, milk, etc.  I can picture the finished product.  I know it will be wonderful.  I tell people that I’m going to make cookies and they gather around to see what I’m doing.  Then people start commenting like this, “It won’t work.  You can’t do that.  It’s been done before.”  

I say, “What do you mean, it won’t work?” 

“I’ve had eggs before.  They don’t taste like cookies.”

“Flour is yucky.  I won’t eat that.”

“Sure, sugar is sweet, but have you ever had baking soda?  It’s nasty.  It will never work.”

The comments continue. I say, “It will work.  When the whole thing is mixed together it will make a delicious cookie.  If I follow the recipe, all the ingredients will work together to make exactly what I want.”

Yet, it seems impossible to convince anyone because each individual ingredient is judged as if it were the whole.  People drag out articles that have been written, share past experiences about that particular ingredient – “Milk is runny.  You can’t possibly pick it up and eat it.  It will never be a cookie.”

Yes, there have been lots of things tried before that are now incorporated into the proposed constitution of The Humanity Party.  Bits and pieces of what have seemed good ideas have been tried with the results not being what were anticipated.  NEVER before EVER has the whole deal been tried together as a whole.

Printing money could cause inflation.  That’s why anti-inflation regulations are put into place.  Providing for the needs of others could become a hardship on others, if they are required to sacrifice their own means to do it.  That’s why it isn’t done that way.  Capitalism isn’t working.  Communism hasn’t worked.  No government plan has ever completely eliminated poverty and worked long term.  THIS plan has NEVER been implemented.  It incorporates the best ideas and joins them together in such a way that it can be a benefit to all.

I have never seen such a beautiful, clear, comprehensive plan that makes more sense to me.  Everyone’s arguments seem as illogical to me as saying, “Milk is runny.  You can’t possibly pick it up and eat it.  It will never be a cookie.”

If I throw out all the rhetoric, all the things that have been stuffed into my brain as being “impossible”, and just think things through with common sense.  Is this possible?  If I look at each piece and the way it is all woven together and connected, each part works together to benefit the whole.  Each person’s freedom is considered.  All personalities and temperaments are protected.  This is a plan that will work for the whole and it has NEVER been tried before.

I will vote Anonymous in 2016.  I welcome thoughts, questions, and discussions about it, done in kindness and with respect.  I will listen thoroughly to every argument.  I will consider all thoughts regarding this.  So far, not a one has been able to change my mind because not a one has taken the whole thing together and been able to negate it to an extent that it makes sense to me.  

I am convinced that by mixing all the ingredients together, we will have a most delicious cookie.  It may seem ridiculous to many, but to me, it makes perfect sense.

For more information please check out:  Humanityparty.com

On filters…

On filters…

I am not a mechanic by any means but one thing I do understand a little about is filters.  I’ve seen lots of them – in cars, vacuum cleaners, heating and air conditioning units, to name just a few.  My understanding of how they work is this:  They trap the impurities that would damage or pollute whatever they’re protecting.  They play an important function.  They keep mechanical parts running longer.  As a matter of fact, they are not only used for mechanical parts but can also be used on computers in the way of virus protection or protecting us from unwanted spam, pornography or things like that.  For mechanical things or computers filters are necessary and good.  We want and need them.

Children are born without filters.  Their minds are completely open to any possibility.  That is why they easily accept things like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.  Nothing seems unimaginable to them.  As we grow up though, we develop filters in our minds.  These are core beliefs we use to protect us.

Our filters develop through various means.  Some are natural consequences.  We touch a hot oven and burn our hand.  We develop a filter – a belief – that teaches us not to do that again.  From then on, we will never even consider the possibility of touching an oven that is hot.  This filter is helpful and protects us.  It allows us to make decisions more quickly as we already understand the natural consequence of our action.

Another way filters are developed is that they are learned from others.  Parents play a very big role in developing filters in our minds.  My parents taught me from my infancy to believe in God.  They taught me to trust in Him, to depend on Him and to always seek for Him.  I knew no other way.  Every action in my life ran through that filter.  Would God approve?  Would this please or displease Him?

Sometimes parents try to teach us something but then their actions contradict their teaching.  That creates more filters.  We learn we cannot always trust our parents.  We begin to question what they say and, depending on how much contradiction we see, we sometimes immediately discard EVERYTHING they say, developing a filter that says:  Nothing they say is true.

Some filters are developed by books, music, or movies we watch that profoundly affect our emotions.  Some filters come from protecting ourselves in relationships that are unhealthy.

Filters can be helpful but also may be detrimental.  Filtered water loses nutrients that are good for us.  Knowing not to touch a hot stove is good.  Believing that you are not a good person because of how people or a particular person has treated you is detrimental.

The crazy thing about filters is that they can be so subtle and a part of us that we don’t even know we have them.  We accept them as truth, as a reality, whether they are or not.  Also, although a mechanical machine or computer NEEDS filters to protect it, the human mind, which I daresay can concoct more filters than we can imagine, has the ability to reason and question things and this is greatly hampered by filters.  It’s like having lots of little shortcuts to help us make decisions – some which keep us from looking at other very reasonable and viable options.

I believe that when we are told to “become as  little child” this is exactly what is being said.  Turn off those filters.

I had developed so many filters in my life that I had lost much of my ability to reason properly.  I had filters created by religion, politics, bad relationships, hurts, and all kinds of stuff.  I have spent the past two years doing all I can to recognize and remove these filters and I have been amazed at how much more sense things make when I can look at things with a clearer mind.  I have more clarity, more confidence, more control of my life.  I have also found more peace and more stability in my emotions.

I am amazed as I watch others who have beliefs that I once held filter information without recognizing they are even doing it.  I see myself in them and feel more determined all the time to continue to remove them.

Some filters have been EXTREMELY difficult to remove.  They have taken conscious effort to recognize and redirect my thinking patterns and they have taken a lot of time but I DO achieve success as I persist.

If I want to run mechanically without thinking through things thoroughly and accurately I will keep those filters, but I want to use my brain.  I want to have the freedom and ability to look “outside the box” or filter and trust in my ability to discern truth because I am NOT a machine.  I want to become as I once was…as a little child.

On temple blessings…

On temple blessings…

I have had several dear friends, who I love and appreciate, express great concern and regret over my inability to be able to attend the temple now.  I have struggled with how to respond to their loving words.  I hope this might be able to make my feelings a little bit clearer.

When I was a very little girl, our family had the opportunity of attending church in a little rented building in Newark, New Jersey.   We were a diverse group that met together and I don’t remember a lot about it but I remember that there were a lot of people from many countries and that many of them spoke Spanish.  I didn’t understand a word of what they were saying but I loved the sound of the language.  I loved to listen to the beautiful cadence or rhythm of the words.  I still love how the Spanish language sounds.  Through the years I have learned some of the words and, at my best, I was able to kind of follow the gist of a conversation now and again.  But even though I cannot understand much at all, for some reason, just hearing the language brings me a special feeling of joy that I cannot explain.

Almost 30 years ago, I attended the temple for the first time.  I had looked forward to that day for my whole life.  It was quite a memorable experience.  Although I’m not sure I understood any of it at that point in my life, I enjoyed the peace that came from being in the “right” place and the “right” time, doing what I was “supposed” to be doing.  

In the beginning of my temple attending years, I didn’t go very often at all.  We didn’t live very close to a temple and we both worked and I didn’t have the desire I should have had to make that great of a sacrifice.  I kept my temple recommend current and attended for special occasions, like other friends’ weddings.  I didn’t avoid going, I just didn’t make a big effort to go.  

Then, along came babies, and that made it even more difficult.  Over time, I started really feeling a desire to attend and struggled with my inability to be able to do it more often, so as my children grew older I reveled in the fact that I now had babysitters and could go on the monthly trips that the congregation at our church would take together.

When the children and I moved to Utah, I made a lot more effort to attend and found great peace and joy there.  It felt good to me to feel like I was doing a special service to others when I felt so unable to serve in other ways in my life.  Temples are beautiful buildings, quiet and peaceful, a refuge from the “storm” of everyday life and that was especially important to me as I was going through so many struggles in my life.  

When I married the second time, to a man who loved the temple as much as me, we attended every week.  We visited several temples in Utah and had plans to attend them all.  Our first date was at the temple and it was a place we both cherished.

Through all of my temple experiences, I understood very little.  Although I felt happy and peaceful while I was there and sometimes got answers to questions as I pondered and reflected on things in the quiet stillness I found there, I never had a vision or visitation from any heavenly being and I struggled to understand what it all meant – not the overall purpose of it, which I thought I understood, but the symbolism of it all.  To add to the confusion, we were not allowed to discuss what happened in there or ask questions, except in one special place, and when I did ask questions, I was told to keep attending and I would learn.  Even the very last time I went, I had specific questions about what things meant and I remember offering a silent prayer to help me understand.  Little did I know what would happen next…

Along with reading the Sealed Portion, I have had the opportunity to learn about what the temple endowment meant.  My eyes were opened as I read about all the symbolism and what it represented.  After all of the years of attending the temple, I FINALLY GOT IT!

Ironically, just when it’s all making sense I can no longer go.  I have thought a lot about that and it seems to me a little like my experience with the Spanish language.  Although I love to hear it and it brings me joy just to hear the sounds, and although I can pick out a word or two here and there, what a difference it would be if I could understand what was being said, what the message was.

If I were to read a book, maybe one in Spanish – a language I love, but could only understand a few words in it, like “a”, “the”, “and”, “it”, and so forth.  How valuable would that book be to me, even if I read it day after day and every so many years figured out another word or two?  I might be able to figure out the sounds the words should make and enjoy the feel of it, but it would have little real meaning to me.

If, one day, I was able to miraculously understand it all - every word made sense, every thought was clear, and I could absorb the message into my very being, changing who I was and how I perceived the world, would that not be more valuable to me than the daily ritual or pattern of trying to read the book?

This is how I feel about my temple experience.  As much as I enjoyed the beauty, peace, and grandeur of it all, I wouldn’t trade for one minute my ability to attend for what I now know and understand.  In the temple, I found a quiet and peace that helped me to deal with my life outside of it.  Now, that quiet and peace is inside of me and a part of who I am.  I don’t miss my temple experiences because I now enjoy that every day in my new understanding of life and who I am and why I’m here.

So, although I appreciate your love and concern for me, please don’t hurt for me.  I have never felt greater peace or joy than I do right now.  Jesus taught that our bodies are our temples and I feel that more now than I ever had before – and what a blessing that is!

On course corrections and integrity…

Sunday, August 31, 2014

On course corrections and integrity…

In the last month my life has taken a complete turnaround.  I have chosen to have my name removed from the records of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  This has been the hardest thing that I have ever done or experienced in my life, bar none.  I am not attempting to persuade anyone to follow me and do what I have done.  I am not trying to convince anyone to change their ways.  I’m not going to criticize the church in any way, nor the people in it.  I have been hesitant to write anything in my blog ever again as I realize how little I really know about this life, but I have decided to write this in an attempt to answer some of the many questions that I have received regarding my decision and perhaps to dispel any rumors that may be spreading and finally to ask for input from anyone who thinks they can help me to see where I “messed up” and how I got “deceived”.  So here goes:

All of my life I have tried to do what is right.  I was raised up in a strong LDS family and as I obeyed my parents and lived the principles of that church, I saw blessings come into my life which strengthened my conviction of the truthfulness of it.  It became my rock.  It steadied me through my life as I went through various challenges.  I loved the church with all of my heart.

Because I felt it was the greatest gift my parents ever gave me, it was my greatest desire to give that gift to my children so every effort I made was to that end, to teach them the principles I had learned through the church so that it would strengthen and bless them throughout their lives, as it had done to me in mine.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to know the truth of all things.  As I would read in the scriptures of Lehi’s dream and how Nephi prayed and he received the dream also, I believed that I could receive those things too, if only I was righteous enough and had enough faith. There are other stories too.  The brother of Jared saw all things, as did Abraham, Moses, and Joseph Smith. Through the years, I would pray for more knowledge of all things.

As I have grown, I have learned the value of studying the scriptures.  I was taught as a child that that was important.  I went to seminary when I was a teenager and institute in college.  The church teaches us to study.  When I was younger, I didn’t study as diligently as I wish now I had, but I started the habit and established the desire.  As a young mother, I struggled to find the time to give the scriptures the attention that they needed.  I remember keeping my scriptures on the back of the toilet so that I could read every time I sat down. When I got divorced, I struggled with finding time for personal study as well, but I continued to strive to have that time.  It has always been a priority for me in my adult life, as the scriptures have always brought me great peace and given me many insights into how I should live my life.

I have never been what people would call a great scriptorian.  I do not remember everyone’s names or the details of all the stories.  I don’t remember where I read what.  I have never gotten hung up on the details of words and what each one meant.  I have always used the scriptures kind of as my personal urim and thummin.  They have given me practical guidance through my life.  They have been how I have felt the Lord has spoken to me.  As I read them, the stories come alive with eternal truths and practical guidelines that have helped me to maneuver through this life.  The more I study, the more the words become a part of me and as I go through the struggles of the day, I remember words, feelings, and impressions that I experienced in my scripture studies.

I began reading the scriptures to my children when they were babies.  I remember reading to my oldest as an infant in my arms and I tried hard to make it a daily occurrence in our family, no matter what the challenges.  It was important to me to be able to share this gift with my children.  I felt that as we studied the scriptures together as a family that it would strengthen us as a family.

After getting married the second time, to a wonderful man who loves the scriptures as much as I do, I found that I had much more time to study the scriptures that I have always loved so much.  Not only has that been our favorite thing to do as a married couple, but I also am able to be home now without the constant demands of little ones keeping me on my toes and without having to go out and make a living supporting a family, so, although I have plenty of things to keep me busy every day, I also have a little more time that I can set aside for my personal scripture study.  This has been a great blessing to me and a time I have cherished.  I have been able to study the Sunday School lessons like I never have before.  I have been able to pour over them, reading all the additional readings, as well as the basic outline.  I have been able to compare and cross reference.  Also, having my husband alongside me, I have been encouraged to tackle some of the more difficult scriptures, like Isaiah, and really search for more understanding and meaning.

I have not had a lot of interest in reading the words of other men or women, outside of the scriptures, although I have been open to it and have occasionally found a book that felt quite inspiring to me.  I have also never been afraid to look at other ideas and religions as I have always felt that the truth should stand up for itself and be able to withstand whatever scrutinies and comparisons are available.  I have never found anything that has seriously challenged my belief in the LDS church.

I have had a couple of minor roadblocks in my understanding, such as polygamy and some of the earlier doctrines in the church that I’ve run across, but I always have trusted that someday I would understand and that I just needed to have faith.  I also was completely convinced that the prophet would never lead us astray because that is what I had been taught and heard all my life so I felt great safety in just following everything he taught, no matter who the prophet was.

As I study the scriptures, I find time and again the counsel to seek for the truth of all things and that if I humble myself and pray with sincere intent, these things can be made known unto me.  Not once, in the scriptures does it say not to seek too much or look too deeply.  I have heard, though, in the church, that counsel on occasion.  I have never understood that as it seems a great contradiction to me.  I have never been dissatisfied with the church or looking for something more than it has to offer, I just have been looking for personal revelation that has been promised to me, through the church, through reading the scriptures, which I had always been encouraged to read.

In my more recent studies, I began to notice that there was a lot of talk of corruption in the church in the latter-days and there was talk of a man bringing forth these scriptures and many not accepting it. (A few references to these things include Mormon 8, D&C 85:7, and 3 Nephi 21.)  I began to be open to the possibility that things might come to us through another way than I had always expected.  I still did not see corruption in the church as a whole, although I knew that on an individual basis I had seen much.

When I heard there was a man who claimed to have received and translated the sealed portion of the Book of Mormon, I was shocked.  How had I not heard about this sooner?   What did this all mean? My mind searched through my memory box of scriptures I had read and patterns I had seen as I’d studied the scriptures.  True to my nature, though, I was open to all possibilities and willing to take the test to read it myself and see if there was any truth to it.

I began with great skepticism.  Although I was curious, I have to admit I was doubtful.  I knew there were people claiming all kinds of things and this seemed too amazing to be true, but I thought of how the Jews had watched for Jesus but when He came they didn’t recognize Him because He wasn’t what they had expected and I thought of how many times the Lord had called prophets from obscure, strange circumstances, and how He is no respecter of persons and I prayed for an open heart and mind and the ability to be able to discern truth from err.

I knew that I had done all that I could to be obedient and put on the whole armor of God.  I knew that I had striven to have the Holy Ghost with me and that the Lord had promised us that we could not be tempted more than we could handle.  I took courage in these things.  I do not believe in a Satan who is more powerful than me and certainly not in one who is more powerful than my Father and I was doing ALL I knew to do to be following Him and therefore was worthy to receive His help and protection.

As I read the story of Christopher and his experience, I was amazed at how it paralleled the story of Joseph Smith in so many ways.  I knew this could be either an indication of its truthfulness or an indication of deceipt as it would be easy to mimic something that had already occurred.  I still read with skepticism, but with sincere desire to know.

I knew that Joseph Smith had translated 116 pages from the gold plates that had been lost.  When Christopher received the plates from Joseph Smith he retranslated that and that’s what I read next.  It was an eye opener, but still not enough to completely convince me.  It wasn’t until I read the Sealed Portion that I began to truly have my eyes opened.  As I was reading, I felt something deep within me stir.  I began to see many things that I had not realized or understood.  I became like unto King Lamoni where as I learned the truth I began to have a total and complete change of heart.

The whole experience has been both terrifying and beautiful.  As I read the book I thought of how many people I know and love who would cherish the words that I was reading if only they would read them themselves, and yet I knew I could never ask anyone to read it because I was very aware of the sacrifice that would be required at their hands if they were to take on the challenge.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has been a huge part of who I am, of my identity.  It has been a blessing I have cherished throughout my life.  As I read, I began to see that I had been wrong in many ways and that this church was not what I believed it to have been.  The question then became, what is MOST important to me – the church or the truth?  If I am to be a true follower of God, if I am to live with integrity, if I believe the scriptures, even the ones I have studied all my life, which truly testify of the coming forth of the Sealed Portion, and concur with its words, am I willing to give up all things, even a part of who I am?  Am I willing to sacrifice the respect of my family and friends?  Am I willing to leave the safety net of the church I have embraced all of my life?  Am I prepared to deal with the confusion and lack of trust that comes from “changing my mind” about the church?

The situation was more complicated than just that.  I have made bad mistakes before.  I married badly the first time.  I began a business that led to much hurt and trials to our family when I was single.  I planned to move to Texas, only to change my mind again when my new husband entered my life.  My family, especially my children had been disillusioned by me and my decisions time and time again and the church had been the one strong anchor that had helped us through so many trials in this life.  Now, I was going to leave it?

I was in deep turmoil.  I knew that this could destroy my family.  I knew the possibility of even permanently losing people who have been very important to me in my life.  I knew the surety of destroying the confidence of my children in me and in the things I have taught them all of their lives.

Still, truth is truth.  The only choice I could see was to live with the integrity of my heart or not.  The bottom line really is, do I have to courage to stand by my convictions through hell and high water or not?

I have felt like the rich man who asked Christ what he could do to inherit the kingdom of God and was told to obey the commandments.  He replied that he had all of his life.  Jesus then told him to sell everything he had, give to the poor and come and follow Him.  The rich man turned away sorrowing because he had very much.  Was I going to be that rich man?

Things were further complicated as I began to learn more about Christopher.  There is a lot on the internet to defame him in every way.  Even he, himself, was very hard for me to swallow.  He is not smooth-talking with words that are flattering and easy to hear.  He is strong, determined and tells the truth.  He cuts to the core and doesn’t hold back on anything.  He is fearless and he, too, is no respecter of persons.  Could he indeed be the chosen one to bring us the truth?

The proof for me, lies in the fruits.  I have read the Sealed Portion and continue to read his other books and listen to what he has to say.  I believe the message that he has brought to us is true.  I feel it in the very core of me.  No matter how much I have not wanted to believe some of the things he has said or brought forth, I cannot deny the ring of truth that abides in it.

This work is not about the messenger.  If God wanted us to turn to Him and not blindly follow another man, this man would be a perfect choice because he’s not easy to blindly follow.  He challenges and pushes and sometimes confuses me, which turns me to within, to search my God, to know for myself, which brings me answers in ways that I never could have dreamed of or imagined.

The story that is told and the message that was presented to me through the Sealed Portion is very different in many ways than I have believed in the past but when I finished the book and looked at what my past beliefs were and what this book has presented to me, I cannot deny that I believe the message held therein is closer to what I believe the plan originally was in heaven, the one I thought I had fought for.  I think perhaps I was not one of the valiant as I had wanted to believe my whole life, but that I was one that wanted more security and could not understand the plan as my Father had intended and that’s why I’ve had this life experience.  This feels my chance to learn the real truth and rethink my previous choices.

I have been accused of being selfish and not caring about my children and the trials this would cause for them.  In this accusation I think others have erred.  There is nothing that has pained me more than that.  I have cried more tears in the past month than I can remember crying in my life over anything because of that very thing.  I have considered the hurt that this will cause and I have considered often, and much the possibility of just pretending it never happened and going back to life as I once knew it but I know that I would never be the same because I would have denied the integrity that has always been so precious to me.  How could I ever again, with any degree of integrity, share my feelings or beliefs on anything?  I would have to become as a silent observer, unwilling and unable to share my feelings on anything again, as I had denied the truth of what I really know.  What kind of mother would I be then?

I have been accused of searching for mysteries that I should have left alone. What?  Do we believe in the scriptures or not?  Do they not tell us over and over again that we should seek for all the mysteries of the Father?  Do they not tell us that we can know the truth of all things?  Do they not give us examples of people who have learned the truth, even in this lifetime?

I have been told that I’ve been deceived, that Christopher is a wicked man.  If that is true, then the “armor of God” must not be a real thing.  If that is true, then what I have learned about Satan, that he could bruise my heel, but I could crush his head, must not be true.  If that is true, then I would have to believe that Satan is indeed more powerful than God because he would have been able to tempt me more than I was able to endure and no amount of protection that had been promised from God would be real or true, at least not in my case.  I had not broken any commandments that I was aware of.  I was not searching in forbidden paths.  I was following the words of OUR scriptures, the scriptures that the church had sanctioned and encouraged me to read all of my life.  I was reading the Sealed Portion that was prophesied would come forth.  I was testing its fruits for myself to know what was right and wrong.

I cannot find one example of a true messenger of God, bringing forth truth and calling repentance to His people, coming from the leadership of ANY church, even the most “chosen” church of God.  I have not found an example of a true messenger that was not hated and scorned and criticized.  If the truth were soft and easy and palatable, why have so many people throughout the history of the world, denied it all?

So, those who are convinced I am deceived or misled or crazy, please tell me where I am wrong. Please tell me what I have done to get on this path that I shouldn’t have done.  Please tell me how I could live with myself and still not create all the havoc that has now been created in my life.

My life felt nearly perfect two months ago. I was happy in the church, I was married to a wonderful man, my family had forgiven me and was trusting me again.  We were all healing.  WHY would I want to go and ruin all of that?

Every morning I wake up to new struggles.  Every day I have more hurt and pain. This has NOT been the easy road.  This has not been a slow pathway to apostasy that happened through lack of diligence or sloppiness on my part.  This has been a COMPLETE change of heart and reformation of who I really am

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A few months ago I began really praying for the Lord to help me know what I needed to repent of in my life.  I was living every principal of “the gospel” that I knew and understood, and very diligently at that, yet I knew that I was not perfect.  I knew that there were many things that I didn’t know or understand that I wanted to and I couldn’t understand why I was not receiving more revelations on those things.  I sensed that there was more and that I needed to change something somewhere but did not know what.

The Sealed Portion taught me what I needed to change.  Although this has been the most difficult thing I have EVER done in my life, it is my answer to prayer.  Should I, after FINALLY receiving my answer, say, “Never mind.  I don’t really want to know.  That’s not comfortable.  That’s not what I want to hear.  I’ll just go back to the way everything was.  I’ll just go back to my perfect life.”?  You tell me.  I’m open to your thoughts.

I am not trying to push anyone to accept or believe anything that I now embrace, even my children.  I have told them that I will continue to support them in their activity in the church in every way.  I am not changing all of my standards of living to be a negative influence on them or anyone else.  I will not try to preach my new beliefs or even share them with others.  I simply ask, can people still love me for who I am and what I believe, even if it doesn’t agree with you?