On temple blessings…

On temple blessings…

I have had several dear friends, who I love and appreciate, express great concern and regret over my inability to be able to attend the temple now.  I have struggled with how to respond to their loving words.  I hope this might be able to make my feelings a little bit clearer.

When I was a very little girl, our family had the opportunity of attending church in a little rented building in Newark, New Jersey.   We were a diverse group that met together and I don’t remember a lot about it but I remember that there were a lot of people from many countries and that many of them spoke Spanish.  I didn’t understand a word of what they were saying but I loved the sound of the language.  I loved to listen to the beautiful cadence or rhythm of the words.  I still love how the Spanish language sounds.  Through the years I have learned some of the words and, at my best, I was able to kind of follow the gist of a conversation now and again.  But even though I cannot understand much at all, for some reason, just hearing the language brings me a special feeling of joy that I cannot explain.

Almost 30 years ago, I attended the temple for the first time.  I had looked forward to that day for my whole life.  It was quite a memorable experience.  Although I’m not sure I understood any of it at that point in my life, I enjoyed the peace that came from being in the “right” place and the “right” time, doing what I was “supposed” to be doing.  

In the beginning of my temple attending years, I didn’t go very often at all.  We didn’t live very close to a temple and we both worked and I didn’t have the desire I should have had to make that great of a sacrifice.  I kept my temple recommend current and attended for special occasions, like other friends’ weddings.  I didn’t avoid going, I just didn’t make a big effort to go.  

Then, along came babies, and that made it even more difficult.  Over time, I started really feeling a desire to attend and struggled with my inability to be able to do it more often, so as my children grew older I reveled in the fact that I now had babysitters and could go on the monthly trips that the congregation at our church would take together.

When the children and I moved to Utah, I made a lot more effort to attend and found great peace and joy there.  It felt good to me to feel like I was doing a special service to others when I felt so unable to serve in other ways in my life.  Temples are beautiful buildings, quiet and peaceful, a refuge from the “storm” of everyday life and that was especially important to me as I was going through so many struggles in my life.  

When I married the second time, to a man who loved the temple as much as me, we attended every week.  We visited several temples in Utah and had plans to attend them all.  Our first date was at the temple and it was a place we both cherished.

Through all of my temple experiences, I understood very little.  Although I felt happy and peaceful while I was there and sometimes got answers to questions as I pondered and reflected on things in the quiet stillness I found there, I never had a vision or visitation from any heavenly being and I struggled to understand what it all meant – not the overall purpose of it, which I thought I understood, but the symbolism of it all.  To add to the confusion, we were not allowed to discuss what happened in there or ask questions, except in one special place, and when I did ask questions, I was told to keep attending and I would learn.  Even the very last time I went, I had specific questions about what things meant and I remember offering a silent prayer to help me understand.  Little did I know what would happen next…

Along with reading the Sealed Portion, I have had the opportunity to learn about what the temple endowment meant.  My eyes were opened as I read about all the symbolism and what it represented.  After all of the years of attending the temple, I FINALLY GOT IT!

Ironically, just when it’s all making sense I can no longer go.  I have thought a lot about that and it seems to me a little like my experience with the Spanish language.  Although I love to hear it and it brings me joy just to hear the sounds, and although I can pick out a word or two here and there, what a difference it would be if I could understand what was being said, what the message was.

If I were to read a book, maybe one in Spanish – a language I love, but could only understand a few words in it, like “a”, “the”, “and”, “it”, and so forth.  How valuable would that book be to me, even if I read it day after day and every so many years figured out another word or two?  I might be able to figure out the sounds the words should make and enjoy the feel of it, but it would have little real meaning to me.

If, one day, I was able to miraculously understand it all - every word made sense, every thought was clear, and I could absorb the message into my very being, changing who I was and how I perceived the world, would that not be more valuable to me than the daily ritual or pattern of trying to read the book?

This is how I feel about my temple experience.  As much as I enjoyed the beauty, peace, and grandeur of it all, I wouldn’t trade for one minute my ability to attend for what I now know and understand.  In the temple, I found a quiet and peace that helped me to deal with my life outside of it.  Now, that quiet and peace is inside of me and a part of who I am.  I don’t miss my temple experiences because I now enjoy that every day in my new understanding of life and who I am and why I’m here.

So, although I appreciate your love and concern for me, please don’t hurt for me.  I have never felt greater peace or joy than I do right now.  Jesus taught that our bodies are our temples and I feel that more now than I ever had before – and what a blessing that is!